I am sitting here in the dining room of the St Mary's rehabilitation center in San Francisco, California. And... I Am Alive!! I simply can not believe I am alive.
These words may seem lame but hear this with your Heart ' It is an Absolute Miracle to be Alive.' Not just for me but for each and everyone of us. The gratitude that I feel for this - is indescribable.
Eight days ago we underwent 9 hours of brain surgery under the careful hands of Dr Mitchel Berger at UCSF to remove a tumor from my left median cerebral hemisphere which was lying on the motor cortex/strip of my brain.
I had previously been told that the operation was to high risk given that they estimated a 50% to 70% resection - if that. Bottom line, this wouldn't amount in any increase in my longevity with this disease. What is more, it would in all likelihood create a loss of quality of life, 'that was not worth it.' In other words, the benefits didn't outweigh the risks and there was nothing to gain.
We approached the nuerosurgeons in the U.K. and they advised against surgery.
I needed to contemplate the hard facts of having 5 to 7 years good quality of life with my family. I had the thought that I could not be in bed dying at my sons 8 year old birthday party and when my daughter, Rachel was just entering her teenage years. This was Simply Unacceptable to us. The doctors tried hard to convince me to leave it, as my quality of life was good at the time and why mess with it for possibly no benefit.
I went away with Steve to think about this long and hard. We didn't tell any family and friends for 8 months because it seemed so unreal.We needed quiet time and resolve in order to absorb and deal with the challenge that we were now faced with.
I had recently recovered from a long and quite severe depression and I didn't want to break the hearts of my loved ones further with this bad news. The truth is, this all worked out perfectly because it gave us the space to collect our thoughts and make an educated and balanced decision without distressing those close to us.
First on the list was an Action Plan and our close friend, Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt, was the perfect team member for us. This was a mission to save my life. After having lost his wife Elana to breast cancer 9 years ago and being left with 4 young children- he certainly was a critical member of our team. Shaul and steven set out to find the best medical opinion .
They organised a panel of leading neuro oncologists and neuro surgeons that met in Baltimore in April with Steve and Shaul present. These doctors flew in from their respective hospitals and facilities from all over America. I wasn't comfortable with this and I had Immense problems accepting this panel as I am a firm believer that Every human being has the Right to the most considered medical care/opinion - but my back was up against the wall and I never wanted to wait for the day that my daughter Rachel said to me did you do the best that you can do.
So to cut a very long story short, the majority view at this panel was to do the operation. The tumour had increased in volume by 45% It was unstable and was presenting itself. There was a strong likliehood of paralysis on the right foot, leg and up into my hip from surgery but I chose to rather have the surgeon paralyse me in trying ,than the tumour getting to me through doing nothing and accepting the inevitability attached to that decision.
My moms sister and my favourite Aunt Susan met us at the airport in San Francisco and stayed with us for the week prior to surgery. G-d blessed us with her coming because she not only brought with her Love and Strength but lots of experience. My cousin Evan had been in a motor car accident at the age of 17 that left him paralysed. He was given a 1 in 35 000 chance of ever walking but he Walks today - not surprising with his powerful mom Susan at his side.
I went into surgery on Wednesday the 9th of June at 8am. 9 hours later an exhausted Dr Mitchel Berger told Steve to 'bring out the tissues.' Going white and losing his abillity to concentrate a distraught Steve thought it was bad news. Instead the news came out that Dr Berger had achieved at least a 90% resection of the tumor and that it was a grade 2 astrocytoma. This was the Best news we had got for a Very long time. He had managed to access both the posterior and anterior aspects of the tumour.The lesion was in the form of a figure 8,with the upper lobe eloquence deemed inoperable without pemanent loss of function . The bottom line is that we got agreat result We have done everything we can, now,attempting to change the natural history of this tumour. No "if only" was going to be acceptable .
This is the most inconceivable stress a marriage can go through, yet my husband Steve remained calm, considered and Stoic during this entire process. He has shown me what it means to fight for someone you love with all your Might and to consider others before yourself. He has been absolutely unselfish and put his needs aside. He lay under my bed in ICU for 24 hours and has not left my side since in this hospital, sleeping next to me, washing, cleaning and carrying me. His face tells his own personal story of a fight for his childen's mother.
I am slowly regaining movement in my right arm and leg .I am currently in a chair but we are optimistic, as is doctor Berger ,that function will probabley restore close to baseline.
Life is precious - every moment is. There are simple pleasures that mean the world to me now. The happiness I feel is Inconcievable and I am Beyond Grateful for having been given a shot at a second chance. In weighing up quality of life and life itself, Rabbi Shaul's words "Life IS Quality."were key .
I love you all and THANK you for your care ,love ,support and prayers - and mostly to Hashem for answering our prayers.
Lisa
